twenty two going on seventy two... thousand million trillion with frills and a walking stick

Hello there my little fashion freaks of nature!

It's been almost two months since I last crawled out of my orange flavoured shell and since then I've caught the green tea bug of love, have almost a whole wardrobe full of 'new' clothing, have completely transformed my bedroom into a vintage clown institute and have got so into Zumba that I actually own two sports bras! This is an amazing development since many of my day to day bras have holes in them and have turned blue (and sometimes brown from granny like spillages of tea). Tis true; I'll admit to bra neglect but they're my titties at the end of the day! Apart from my bra improvements there is also some other good news; I start a garment making course and an internship with BEYOND RETRO's product department this month!!! Yes my friends, my favourite shop on this funky dunky planet is taking on the ginger beast of the east! You'll hear more of this when all the fun and life (which I will finally have!) actually begins properly...

In true granny style I have left this blog so long that I can't remember much of what I've done these past months. The fact that I turned 22 on the 11th of September might have something to do with it. Getting older is more painful than stubbing your toe on the door... or stepping on a plug! Now that's saying something! Why can't I be 10 again? Minus the tracksuits, whole pot of gel that I plopped onto my head daily and that wonky gap tooth (although apparently I'd be bang on trend right now with that one? Damn braces!)

Either way I have many many MANY photos of my simple yet satisfying life and all the clothes I just happened to bung on at the time .. we could pretend for a moment that I am so cool that I fall into my wardrobe like a pro and roll back out fully dressed and extra spicy... I might just give that a try! (I'll keep you updated. If you don't hear anything after a month just assume that I underestimated how hard my floor is).

Here it goes vintage/charity shop/fashion lovers... longest blog on earth number 2....

Yorkshire; the place I plan to take over once I've defeated the Lord of the Pickled Onions.

I was inconveniently pulled away from my royal and glamorous life of unemployment and the breathtaking surroundings of Poplar to see my selfish friend Polly for her birthday in her Knaresborough.  

Her front door is bigger than my whole house and she lives on a cobbled road Jack the Ripper would have been proud to skip down. I felt like I was on a five star weekend away and what made it so extra super duper was being surrounded by my wonderful friends! Also, it's nice to smell actual air rather than the bum waft of London.

  

Below is my travel outfit. Just in case you were wondering on the day I did actually wear my head but I'm afraid my face might burn your eyes out... a couple of hours sleep results in a mouldy looking Kayleigh. Everything in this outfit is from a charity shop (apart from the shoes from Berty and Gerty which I wear so often I'm surprised the floor doesn't exfoliate my feet as I walk!) This top kind of reminds me of Versace, I think that's why I like it so much!

 

 On the third bless-ed day we had the last supper (followed by a beer) where we sat on a table so close to the water the ducks could have made sweet love to our dinner (to be honest they did try). I haven't laughed so hard in such a long time! So, instead of taking lovely pictures of us enjoying ourselves that I can look back at in years to come and think 'what a wonderful day that was', I decided to take one of the table number. Great...

Check out Mr Optimism in York. It's always nice to know that no matter where you run to there will always be a good old bit of crazy to keep you company. Also, sorry mate, but 'soon' is way too vague... if you're going to try and scare the tits off of me at least give me a date so I can write it in my diary which I haven't got round to buying yet because I assumed I had more time. Not good enough!

I would love to tell you that it was my skills in photography that made this picture so spectacular. Unfortunately for me my camera is just honest.

I think I might love this outfit so much because for once the background has some character. This white shirt is so comfy and thin and it only cost me £1. For some reason I keep seeing this bag in every charity shop I go into... I'm not into that.

This is me trying to look like I've successfully and proudly climbed a tree. This is a complete lie. I got less than half way and gave up... I was scared I'd fall off and my 'see you next tuesday' would hold on for dear life and I'd have to get out the needle and thread! I really pray there wasn't a time on the earth where women climbed trees naked. Oh god, what about the men! Bye bye little Jimmy!

Oh my god look at that creepy foot on the right. There is nothing scarier than a phantom foot.

Sexy Topshop snakes in the grass. Sale snakes of course. What the hell do you think I am? £25 down from £55. I know. I'm good. 

Once I got out into the field I felt as free as a bird. I probably looked more like a drunken monkey. I have no idea what I'm doing here or who the hell I think I am but I want to be her all the time!

Last and definitely least is a good old attitude photo. Flared nostrils, pouted lips and bad timing! I adore this long but loose body con like dress though!! I bought it in my local charity shop a few days before. Lucky ducky! As you can already tell I'm LOVING animal prints at the moment. All fake mind you. But I have the authentic smell so you probably couldn't tell.

Back to business. Recording for ONFM for 'Showbiz Shouts' with Dom. Our last show was unfortunately a few weeks ago so no more passionately slagging off JLS and here's the big one... NO MORE COCKTAILS AFTER SHOWS! But we got at least one good sesh in you'll be completely relieved to know. Everyone loves a good Happy Hour!
 

Whilst shaking my thang I'm wearing an 80's £1 St Michael cardi and a Hawaiian shirt from Berty & Gerty.

This dress below is one of my faves! Smart and feminine but fun. There are little orange elephants, blue monkeys and other crazy coloured animals - equality to all! I would tell you where I got it from but I can't remember.

Gotta have some hubby time! Me and my beautiful man going for pig out at Frankie and Benny's in Romford. If you want the best service of your life I suggest you go there! There is one waiter who is so amazing he remembered our orders from two weeks earlier and gave us our £13 starter free because we had waited a little longer than usual! The only problem is the food is so good you have to make sure you're wearing something a little loose! I chose this lovely plain tan body con from H&M (along with my gold Pat Butcher's from the same store) with my vintage tie up top from my trip to Yorkshire, which covered up my stomach just enough to stop me looking pregnant on the way home.

Below is a pic of my attempt at wearing trainers outside the door since I was about eleven. Remember those Nikes Marty bought for me? Well they hurt like hell!! I wore them with my retro outfit below (which includes a Primark Baywatch t-shirt that I cut the sleeves off of) but I really didn't feel like myself. I'm definitely more of a dresses and heels kinda girl.

My yummy man cooking the meat because if I did neither of us would be alive. Also because he likes to think he wears the trousers. He doesn't.

On the journey home I went for another charity shop outfit. Both items £1 (what else do you expect from me?) and I don't know if you can tell but I'm trying hard not to notice people thinking I'm a freak on the train.

Close up for all of you who forgot to put your geeky goggles on.

Two words. PARTY TIME.

Yeah, the picture below doesn't really represent partying hard and shaking that ass. This is the before on the same day (trust me the after is much better). This is the painful result of a trip to Oxford Street, possibly one of the worst places in the world. I'm not the biggest fan of knobby humans as it is so when I go up the West End you can imagine how I feel. I think I age by ten years every time (as you can tell by that awful pic below; age 72), so I really try to avoid it as much as possible. This red and blue cocoa bean dress labelled 'Eastex' and the buckle shoes are both from Bangor charity shops.

As soon as I put on my animal print it's time to boogie! My friend Matt was down for his 22nd birthday AKA let's pretend I'm 21 because 22 hurts like pushing a baby out of your eyeball. We went to G.A.Y and I've never felt so liberated to dance on a podium like a stripper in my life! The guys are all gay and adore your Gaga-Beyonce moves, there are no sleazy men trying to grab your special box and no girls giving you evils in the corner 'cos they know your arse looks great in those so-tight-I-almost-absorb-them trousers! This silk tiger print top is another charity shop St Michael purchase, the two tone leggings are from H&M and the shoes are New Look.

This lovely vintage purse was a nice contrast from all the black. I absolutely love the shape and this green is such a stand out colour. Another great purchase from Sue Ryder in Yorkshire.

Ahh interviews. I HATE them. The one thing I do like about them though is getting dolled up! Below is my outfit for my Beyond Retro intern interview eeeek! I felt quite confident in my choice until I got home and realised my lipstick had cracked up my face like The Joker. Not really my greatest look.

This is probably my favourite bag in my wardrobe and you'll notice I wear it quite a lot. Unfortunately I have no idea where I bought it from but oh well, you'll never have it. It's mine. ALL MINE!

Once again I went for the tie up top and this time a gorgeous Jacques Vert dotted hight waisted skirt that I also bought in Sue Ryder in Knaresborough for a bargain £3.60. 

Another meal with the main man. This time we went to Las Iguanas. OH MY the food in there is FABULOUS. And the tequila... I cannot describe. Yum yum yum yum YUM.

I opted for something a bit more casual and obviously trousers because I'm not willing to have another button or zip popping incident in my lifetime. The top and necklace are both random charity shop finds and the dotted trousers are actually from Primark £12. I have to be honest I've really gone off of Primark in the last year. I remember the days when I'd shop there and everyone else thought it was trampy to do so. Nowadays I feel like if I own something in there I'll walk down my road and 5 other girls will be wearing the same thing. However, if you can find an item you really like and make it your own with your super style and jumble sale like wardrobe, people barely notice where it's from! I added the round green bag to keep the colourful circular theme rolling ;)

Here is another casual outfit below for one of my shifts at Ayoka. I love being at Ayoka! It's kind of dangerous because I work in a shop where I can pretty much afford anything, which means I want to buy everything! Here I'm all comfy in a cool horse t-shirt and No Excuses high waisted trousers from Beyond Retro. I added a little gold horse shoe necklace to keep in with the theme (and for a bit of luck).

Another cozy item! All I need now is a pair of super strong multi-purpose fluffy slippers. I bought this retro nautical 'The Youth Firm' jumper dress on eBay for £10. I love the ladies on the front. I'm sure they are muscly sailor grannies which is weird but I'm into it! There is also an actual cord string that hangs from the ladies hands which makes it even more unique.

The only thing that stops me from being a homeless shopaholic is the fact that I prefer charity shops to the high street. One of my favourite places to go is Romford and in particular St Francis Hospice. I wore this inconvenient outfit there. It's one of those outfits you really shouldn't wear out to exhausting shopping and when you're feeling bloated, especially since these are my tight high waisted £4 jeans that need a safety pin to keep my zip from opening and exposing my baby maker. However I do really love this outfit and I felt quite girly wearing it.

Since I didn't have a thick gold choker at the time I decided to randomly throw my 80's chain belt around my neck. Slightly uncomfortable and perfect for murder but also a pretty successful improvisation. As you can see I didn't piss off any strangers this week since I'm writing this blog right now. Yay!

Ooh cocktail outfit! BOGOF at Abacus; how can I resist? I wanted to feel simply elegant without looking too OTT. So out come the deep reds, sexy blacks and to top it all off tones of bronze and gold. And you can't go wrong with feathers!  The perfect outfit to go from a quick drink in a bar to doing the Single Ladies dance five times in an hour. Luckily for me this bag was only £1 in Ayoka and it adds glamour to any outfit. Excluding a tracksuit.

I have no idea where I went in this. But I've had this Betty Boop top for a couple of years and it's great for when I'm not in the mood to play the role of dolly dress up. Just bung it on and off we go! Oh, and the fab bag is my mums. Jacked!

MY BIRTHDAY!! Good or bad? Ermm... Good = presents. Bad = Old. Or older if 'old' is a bit too harsh for anyone over 22.

Ok, my birthday was on a Sunday but I decided since it's MY day I'm going to let it begin on Saturday. Mainly because Judy's Affordable Vintage Fair began then and I wanted some gorgeous clothes added to my birthday bundle! Am I allowed to say that this, like all my others, is my favourite outfit? Well it is! I think....

Once again I'm wearing my 'don't look at my flies!' jeans, my gold and black buckle belt and the blouse from Beyond Retro that was on my birthday blog list! I added this gorgeous deep red snake skin like bag because it's my birthday and I can wear what I want to!

Oh and another thing from my birthday blog list.... my Murder She Wrote jumper!! I pretty much live in this now, but I haven't yet morphed into Angela Lansbury...maybe I should get Jeff Goldblum to make me some teleportation pods and throw Angela in one, me in the other and POOF.. a super 80's detective fighting machine! We could change the world I tell ya, CHANGE THE WORLD!!

One thing I HAVE to complain about in terms of my birthday was my crappy camera which deleted ALL of my pictures from Judy's Affordable Vintage Fair, Beyond Retro  and my trip to Lulu Guinness to get my bag on Saturday. What a piece of poop! I got a new one thankfully which works fine. I did plan to draw a stick version of me standing outside Lulu Guinness but I really don't have the time, energy and most of all the skills.

On a positive note I DID get photos on the Sunday of my actual birthday when the mother, grand mama, the old ball and chain and I went to Judy's Affordable Vintage Furniture Flea! To be honest these photographs were more worth while. This is the first time I've been to the furniture fair and it was so amazing I wanted to cry throughout because everything was so old gorgeous and full of character but I have no space in my bedroom AND most importantly no money left. Check out the random photos below...

Funky lamp that everyone hated except me.. I don't know what that says about me...?

There were probably better phones but I just love this colour so much!

An ugly dog painting(?) that once again only I liked for the creepy factor. I would have preferred a goat.

Beautiful set up! I would have bought those amazing drawers and mannequin head but they weren't for sale. Sad times.

I would have bought the head on the left but at £360 I'm no mug! Glad I'm not since it's now on eBay for £100. Cheeky bastards!

Club tropicana mate! Almost bought this but where would it go?? It was only £32.

Creepy dolls <3 Only £3

Good ol' Nan enjoying the 50's toys. (I want to say old but she'd kill me. Seriously)

Beautiful typewriter

Cute Fisher Price TV toy. Oh man times have changed! I think I might take my brother's Xbox and give him one of these.



After plenty of funtimes at the Fair I somehow got my nan to the Childhood Museum, which was another journey of 'wow' and 'do you remember those?' from the ladies, as much noise as a man can make in a museum from the hubby and plenty of squealing and acting like a 5 year old from me. This included trying to get my adult sized arse on a rocking horse made for people with heads the size of peanuts. Let me say I did triumph but certainly not without embarrassment on the way up. I don't think this helped with my attempts to realise I'm actually a big girl now.

I wanted to feel comfortable but funky on my birthday, so I went for my tropical fish jumpsuit from Beyond Retro £22.

Finally my 22nd birthday ended with another dose of Las Iguanas. YUM! I chose to go another casual smart look. I wore my chunky costume gold chain necklace (£8 J'sAVF), a simple black and white top from Primark (which is actually a hand me down from my nan!), leather trousers bought the day before from Beyond Retro £24 and a beautiful vintage bag from JAVFF for £30.

Just to prove to you that I DID, somehow, get my Lulu Guinness bag here is a picture of my holding it proudly. Yes I know, I never thought it would happen either! I suppose dreams do come true!

Oh and here is the HUGE Beyond Retro flamingo umbrella with a wonderful flamingo carved handle.

My Marty is such a darling! He surprised me with my lovely cake, candle and a bizarre rendition of Happy Birthday from the sweet waiter. The cake tasted like heaven just to let you know ;)

Just thought I'd add this photo because my boyfriend is amazing and this photo is proof!

OOPS. I forgot. Monday was my birthday too! My third cake and more crazy humans. Actually just one in particular...Cher! We had planned to go for yummy Greek food and cocktails. In true Cher-Kayleigh style we ended up getting to the restaurant too late, having to settle for a take away curry, finding nowhere to drink but the local pub with only two old geezas and 15 minutes left till closing time and buying bottles of rose like the true alchy hairbrush holding Kate Bush loving gals we are. To top it all off is the wonderfully deformed cake she made me below. I like to pretend someone from a mental home made it for me, especially the poo like smudged words. Excellent!

Above is the amazing painting of Mistinguett that Cher created as a surprise for my third special day. It was such a wonderful present and sits perfectly on top of my typewriter. Below you can see my joy of being outside such a classy establishment in my brand new moon and planets jumpsuit from Beyond Retro. JD and coke with a good old tequila shot. We clearly represent true sophistication.

Birthday over. Weep. Don't worry there will be one next year but I'm not sure this one can be topped!

And with that ladies and gents I'm off to bed because I feel like my eyes are about to melt in my face. This isn't even the whole month. My next blog starts from the13th of September and all the fab things that have happened since! 

To Be Continued.......